I've mentioned before that Albert Einstein has said the flavor of our lives is truly determined in the answer to just one question. The question is "Is this a friendly universe?" Our belief around our answer sets the tone for how we show up.
I believe this is our 'default.' It is where we go when our world is blown apart by some event. We all have these moments. They are the day we realize the relationship we thought was perfect wasn't. In that moment, we go directly to our default.
Let me give an example. When I was in college, I had a beautiful relationship with a girl. She was amazing, beautiful, enthusiastic about life, and together we explored the good universe. At that same time, I had a dear male friend who was my wing man. He had my back and I knew I could count on him and trust him.
One day I was at a women's basketball game at Sac State in their very old gym. The game was not well attended on a Saturday afternoon and I could see my friend coming to sit with me.
This was not his norm! He didn't like basketball. We sat watching the game for some ten minutes until a break occurred. At that point, he confessed that he had really strong feelings for my girlfriend. He wanted to talk to me because he thought she had strong feelings for him and they wanted to move in together. I did not take this well. My answer was, "I think we need to go find her and have a talk!"
We went to the apartment (Oh by the way, I was living with her) and the three of us talked for a few hours. Long story short, she moved out the next day and moved in with him.
This seriously undermined my world. I had lots of directions I could head. But again I believed in a friendly universe that in the end is always taking care of us. I didn't know how this was 'taking care of me' but I was sure there was a reason for it and I would end up on my feet. Emotionally I was destroyed for a bit of time. At one point in the next month, I had to have a talk with her. She kept calling or running into me and wanted advice on how to work with him. I finally said to her one rainy afternoon on campus, "Cathy, I want to remind you we are not together anymore. He is your relationship; leave me alone."
So in the end this is a story and one of the most painful in my life. It is the kind of story that happens to all of us. The question becomes 'what is your default?" How do you show up in that very moment.
I had a friend who grew up in a home where she had no voice. She would have to be filled with anger and then let her voice roar with emotion to be heard. Thus for a long period of time she didn't get it. The she realized her default was anger. Then she came to a point where the issue changed and she realized people could hear her without slipping into the default of anger. She moved to a gentler default in her approach.
It is important! Find your default and determine if it serves you. It may be time to make a change. Only you can tell.
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