I talk frequently about my ten years of participating in the Understanding Yourself and Others Program. It was based on Adlerian psychology and releasing trauma by going back and reviewing it. It was done through the use of a poem.
I averaged two workshops a month for a few years - each workshop consisted of Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. The course consisted of two certified facilitators along with 24 assistants to work one-on-one with 24 students.
I found that during my process I kept on shaving off levels of protection and got more and more in touch with my feelings and my triggers.
One of the interesting parts of the class was the Friday night opening. Our assistants tended to be people who had gone through the process and now wanted to hold sacred space for other people. But this was an organic process that had to flow normally. So when the new students showed up we had as part of the assistant training ''let them be where they are." Thus if they came on Friday night filled with fear we would leave them that way. If they were nervous, we let them be nervous.
We also let people sit in locations of their choice - we figured spirit would place them in the right place. It worked over and over again. Thus the roughest man in the room often ended up next to the woman most in fear of the roughest man in the room.
On one of my breakthrough weekends I was deep into my work. By this time, I had clear ideas how everything worked and I knew how to do the weekend. I had the phrases down and I knew how to touch into releasing my feelings. What I did not know was there was a whole lot deeper level to release.
I was in the midst of doing some strong anger work relating to my father when someone called me on it. One of the instructors, whom I admired for his work, stopped the process and just stared at me for a bit of time.
"You know," he said, "We all can see what it is you are doing." I didn't know what he was saying. He leaned forward and said, "We can see the real you!" He shared that all could see the real me and though my act was a good one, it was just that. It was an overlay, a facade, and the true you is a little one pretty frightened about every thing. He was joined in by a female instructor who laid into me (she is still a friend to this day!)
I felt like a deer in the headlights. They could see exactly who I was. Not just the facade I was playing but actually who I was. They told me to take some time and decide when I wanted to be real. I went into neutral in full shock.
A couple of the students eventually went to the instructor and let him know I was fading away. I was fading away with less and less energy. If I was not my facade, who was I? They were actually worried about my health.. They assigned three female assistants to sit near me keeping some physical nurturing contact to keep me in my body.
Meanwhile I was in internal shock - people knew who I was. Well, it took most of the afternoon for me to come back but eventually and slowly I came back. Since that day, I have learned to be just me. It is the job all of us have yet some of us have to go through deep learning on how to do this. The funny thing is it as easy as just letting go. Let go and let God!
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