I've come up against a new type of behavior that is very disturbing to me. But then again it might be disturbing only because it is so different than what my normal approach has been.
When I was very small I discovered an adage that my dad taught me. But I have no idea how I learned it or how he passed on the information to me. It is the belief that if I hit a roadblock or I am not getting things done or I am at the edge of failure I just need to go harder. The belief is that as long as I put in energy into anything I will overcome any challenge in my life. I think one of his favorite sayings was "don't do anything half-ass!"
The difficulty is that the adage overcomes self-care, good sleep, and normal behavior. It is a policy of 'scorched earth.' This started to be noticed when I took my first job. If I was due to start work at 5 PM I would show up at 4:30 PM to make sure I was fully prepared and ready to go. It has led to a consequence. Every job I've ever had in my life has a common thread. Within a year of starting the job, I was managing the place. It didn't matter my experience level or my background. I would suddenly find myself running the show. It was because they knew I would show up and do things to the best of my ability.
When I started in construction, I worked for a mentor who taught me so much. But I always remember the moment he decided to start a new company. He called me in and sat me down. He told me that from the moment he had hired me I had worked as if it was my company. I had worked the extra hours and taken ownership of making sure things were accomplished to make it the very best company it could be. Since I worked as if it was my company, he wanted me as a partner in his new company. He knew the energy I would always bring to the job.
Thus I always worked at 150% effort to make sure everything was a success. However since my health challenges started to explode some six years ago, I have had to take steps of self-care and self-nurturing. It has become critical that I take steps in the moment to move into health. As the challenges have grown, pain level and fatigue have brought frustration and difficulty. Thus the disturbing behavior. There are actual points in time when I just plain give up at a certain level. In the midst of having tasks that I need to accomplish or people I need to connect with, instead I look to my bed. I feel my fatigue and crawl in and sleep. It is so counter intuitive for me. My mind keeps wanting to keep pushing, to get it done, to move on to the next thing. But it doesn't work.
So I often have an internal fight. I chide myself to 'snap out of it.' I tell myself to get over it. It is interesting because sometimes the work wins and sometimes the bed wins. If you don't hear from me, the bed has won this time.
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