I want to revisit the things that happen to us as little children and how these actions form the basis of who we are today. Today we are talking about impossible tasks.
When we start to be self-aware as little children, we make basic assumptions about what we can do. These assumptions are based upon the norm of our birth family.
I had a friend who grew up in a family with a mostly absentee father. The mother had mental challenges and could not face the world. So when this little girl was four years old her mother would drive her to various locations in town to pay the bills. On bill paying day, they would visit the phone company, the utility company, the landlord, and various other places. This little girl was expected to make the payment, socialize while being very private, and handle any problems that came up. For her, it was the norm. In addition, she did the grocery shopping in off peak hours so there would not be any questions. This is an example that happens to many little ones. They are given impossible tasks that are not age appropriate and they are expected to do each task correctly.
This little girl didn't know any differently. So as she grew up she was in charge wherever she went. She was responsible and accountable. She knew what to do and how to improvise. On the other hand, she had some difficulty with teams and socialization. Do you wonder why?
One of the basic foundations of 'inner child' work made popular by John Bradshaw was some common work in the field. Each of us had to go back in a session and find the little one who had been abandoned and asked to do impossible things. We then during the session let our adult become friends with the little one (because after all, who knew the little one any better than the current adult?) and we reminded the little one that we had never left and would always be there.
In our hallway, I have a large photo of myself as a 5-year old looking alone and having a hesitant grin on my face. I also had a little scar just above my lip (I had fallen on my face the morning the photo was taken). I find when I am out of balance I need only take some quiet time and spend it with my little one and it helps.
I know in the end the impossible tasks given to me at 5-years old resulted in a very responsible adult who can handle anything; But it also meant I had to learn how to share my feelings and vulnerability without the expectation I would be raked over the coals. Our childhood norms are exactly that - childhood norms. Take the impossible tasks out of the hands of your little ones and give them the opportunity to have play time to relax and time to smile and time to love!
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