Maria Shriver did a piece in her "Sunday Pages" that was very thought-provoking. I want to take a minute and personalize it. Her column is about having someone's back.
When I was around five years old I had a thought breakthrough. I was in the kitchen one morning. My dad was off at work and my mom (who slept a great deal) was in bed. Our lives were about finding our own meals in the morning. Oh, there was plenty of cereal and milk and bananas; I had learned to use the toaster and above all to clean up everything as if I had never been there.
I was standing on my stepstool at the sink and could see across the street into the kitchen of our neighbors. It was another family with a couple of boys. I watched as the mom was cookiing what appeared to be pancakes, bacon, and eggs. Their kitchen lights were bright and it was a warm and loving scene.
As I looked around my kitchen, I suddenly realized at a primary level that in the end no one had my back. My truth was if I was to survive I had to make darn sure I was taking care of myself. I obviously could not turn to others for support because no one was there. What a concept to take ownership of myself at the age of five.
It was reinforced a few years later. My brother and I shared a room and at the time I was 8 and he was 7. We would get into terrible fights after we had been sent to bed. After enough noise, my dad would come in and quiet us down by scaring the heck out of us.
I had been chasing my brother across the room and he started to climb up the front of a six-drawer tall dresser. He was about half-way up when the dresser started to go over. I watched in horror as it fell to the ground with a huge explosion of noise. My brother was nowhere to be seen.
As I wondered if my brother had survived the fallen dresser, I could hear the heavy footsteps of my father headed our way. Suddenly the door burst open and there stood my father.. He looked at the scene before him and I realized at that point I was standing in front of the remnants of a dresser.
At the same time wondering where my brother was, I looked around searching for his wounded body. Instead he was sitting on the toilet through the open door into the bathroom. It was not a fun night for me. Obviously my brother had nothing to do with the incident. He was busy. But it was a reinforcement of 'every man for himself.'
This had some side effects. In the end, I became a very, very private person never sharing what my life was about and what I was doing. It's because it was not safe.
It also meant I was tremendously self-sustaining. From a very early age, I knew I could take care of myself because no one else would.
I had all the symptoms that could lead to a very rocky life alone. But I was blessed to get involved in exercises, classes, forums, and encounter groups on my quest to find out what my human connection was all about. I kept saying 'yes' to trying new adventures. In the end, I became a somewhat functioning human being.
Then along came my beloved. We have been together for nearly twenty years and for the first time in my llife I realize what it means to have someone 'have my back.' I know she's there for me but it is a two-way street. I've had to fight every part of my privacy bound internal five-year old in order to share who I am with her and in order to 'have her back.' I know she won't let me live in my little dark cave by myself.
It is a feeling I never thought I would find! I hope you have someone who has your back; if not do what it takes to make it happen. It is that common theme I learn more and more. We can't do this alone!
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